Love is an illusion if the opposite tells lies
by Shuji Nonohana
Summary: Sa-chan plots to get Gin... but she then becomes involved with the Yorozuya highjinks. In other news, Shinpachi may finally get a girlfriend! Sa-chanxGin. Mixed in with a little ShinxTae and ShinxKagura. Because I said so.
1. LIES

1Hello. My name is Shuji Nonohana. I'm here to tell you about the endeavors of a ninja searching for love. A masochistic kind of love. Well, It doesn't have everything to do with Masochism, just half. Whatever... The pairing is Gintoki Sakata and Ayame Sarutobi. This ain't no oneshot.

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She has been in love with him since the day he helped her with her problem, as he helps all with their problems. Sa-chan, the assassin.

Lesson 1: Lies tell you everything about a person.

Now, it had been about a week since she found out about a man's attraction at a woman who plays hard to get. She decided to disregard that. She would just spy on him on a roof across from the yorozuya. "Hey! Get off of my roof!" Sa-chan dropped a potted plant. "OW! That hurt! Get off of my..." She drops another. "OW! STOP IT!" Yet another. "OW!" Sa-chan smirked as she said "You want more? There's tons more where that came from!" Yeah. The man whose roof she was on was pretty pissed off. "WHY?" "Oh. I'm just spying on someone." "No, I mean, why did you bring potted plants up on the roof?" "...As weapons against intruders." "Intruders of what?" "Intruders of... pizza!" "WHAT THE HELL?!"

Sa-chan ignored him and continued to look at the window of the yorozuya with binoculars.

Gin looked out the window. "Shinpachi. Get me the air rifle."

Shinpachi came into the room with an air rifle. "May I ask why?"

"There's a weird bird on a rooftop looking to kill me." Gin said ask he took aim with the air rifle.

Shinpachi took a long hard stare at the "bird". "Um, Gin-san? Isn't that..." BOOOOOMMMM!

The target fell. "What Shin?"

"... I was about to say that the bird you saw was Sa-chan."

"OH! It was her? My eyes are bad so I couldn't see..."

"My ass! You shot her down on purpose! Fucking liar!"

"Well hey, now that I lied, It told you a bit more about myself! I'm a bad liar and hate to do it! I hope this shows you what an honest person I am!"

"If that's the way you are, I regret wanting to know more about you."

"What? I'm the most interesting person in this manga! Everyone want's to know more about me!"

"This doesn't change the fact that you shot down Sa-chan, not a bird! We're just lucky it's not a bird, or it would have died."

Kagura came into the room only half-knowing what was going on. "Did you put it out of it's misery?"

"Don't say such ominous things!"

Meanwhile, Sa-chan had fell. It hurt her. A lot.

"He's such a forceful man like that... I love it!"

Apparently love is stronger than common sense...

Ok, there are two kinds of love. Sudden love, where love comes and love passes, it doesn't last long. True love, the kind that never wavers and never gets old, the kind you'll do anything for. Or the kind you get too nervous to do anything about. That's the kind of love we're talking 'bout.

Ok, so Sa-chan failed. Big deal. She'll just try again!

"When in doubt, uh... do something!"

Wow.

Two hours later, at a pachinko parlor...

"Okay, I've kept watch over that door for over two weeks and discovered that Gin-san always comes out in an hour. Only one time did he ever seem happy coming out. Four days later, he was happy again. Another four days later, he was happy. He must only win every four days! 'Cause every day after, he looks depressed and lost! I must comfort him on one of these four days to win him over!"

A crowd of people gathered near the bushes across the pachinko parlor.

An old man with no hair and a saggy face came over. "Who are you talking to?"

Sa-chan took offense to this. "What? Haven't you ever seen a person stalking another person in the bushes?" Apparently in addition to being nearly blind, she's half deaf.

Sa-chan continued to watch until Gin came out. As soon as he did, she came running up to him. "Gin-san!" She crashed into the mirror shop next to the parlor.

"Ow. Why did they put a mirror in the middle of the parade?"

"Um, excuse me miss? Your forehead is bleeding!"

"Huh? No, this isn't blood, it looks like fruit juice! Yum!"

Just a heads up, she broke her glasses with the mirror shop.

So, Sa-chan failed miserably.

"But I won't give up!"

Over at the kunoichi café, Sa-chan couldn't think straight.

"Maybe he knows what I'm doing."

It's pretty obvious.

"I just need to bide my time. I will find a way."

Will Sa-chan succeed next time? Probably not, but please come back anyways! :)

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So this was my first incredibly short chapter! Sorry I couldn't write more, but there is too little romance in Gintama, so I need to figure out how my story would fit in with Gintama.

Oh and by the way, If you've ever read Hayate the Combat Butler, I have a fanfic featuring It. I'm also gonna make a story for One Piece and Case Closed, if you've ever heard or seen 'em.

Well, I need to get working on my next chapter!

I don't really have a lot of time...

(Editor's note: Shuji is only 15. His parents don't allow regular access to their computer, where he mistakenly put all of HIS files, so he needs to do this at the dead of night from 12:00 to 4:00 in the morning...)


	2. hypocrisy

1Gintoki Sakata. A clueless man with a philosophy that makes as much sense as it doesn't. Did that statement make sense? Did you also realize that Gin reads the magazine that he is published in? That explains his dream to achieve Bankai (BLEACH)...

Second chapter everyone...

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Lesson 2: People with sunglasses are usually assassins. So what do you call a regular person with sunglasses calling his or her rival with sunglasses an assassin to make them infamous? A hypocrite.

Sa-chan wonders what the lessons name is about. "Is this about Matsudaira-san?"

No, it isn't. It just brings up an important point in the story.

Sa-chan decided to directly ask the people behind (or up in front of) the scenes, Shinpachi and Kagura!

"Soooo... what is it you want to know? About Gin-san?" Said Shin with a glazed look in his eyes.

"... You know, I just realized I don't know what I want to know about him." Said Sa-chan.

Kagura laughed. "What an idiot!"

"Look, anything positive about Gin-san will be fine, just please tell me!"

"Okay Sa-chan, just let us think back." Said Shin.

"We'll remember every good thing about Gin-chan!"

So Shin and Kagura stood there, in the Yorozuya, and thought.

About three hours later.

"He does stuff for people. If he's paid."

"... That's it?"

Shin sighed and said "Well if we're talking about good deeds that don't have anything to do with his hypocrisy, than that's the best we can come up with. Honestly."

"Yeah! Gin-chan is so hypocritical, you could say he does the opposite of everything he says!"

Shin just stared at her. "You could say you have a mind that makes bad analogies. And a mouth that translates them into something worse."

Okay. This is where something screwy happens.

Kagura walks up to him. Shinpachi flinches, expecting to get hit. Then she pecks him on the cheek. For a minute there, all time has stopped... and then it started again when she punched his face out the window.

"Heh. Idiot, just freezing for a second because of affection! Who does that anymore? Nowadays, people respond to things like that, or get beaten mercilessly!"

Sa-chan gave her a blank look. "Kagura-chan, you're the opposite of what I am."

"? What's that?"

"... Never mind."

Sa-chan leapt out the window... and landed on Shin's stomach.

"OWCH! Please calmly GET THE HELL OFFA ME!"

As Sa-chan is speaking, please imaging Shinpachi screaming random gibberish in the background.

"So, he's a hypocrite who helps people for money? I've got an idea, but I'll need help..."

"Yeah. I need help too. I need you to help me by getting THE HELL OFF OF ME! NOW!"

"Oh, I'm sorry Shin. You just sorta blend in with the background there."

"... I'm one of the main characters."

Sa-chan leapt the hell off of Shin. "Shinpachi, can you dress up as a hot nurse and I dress up as a suave doctor and go give Gin-san a checkup? Of love?"

Shinpachi assessed his mind before saying "Gin-san is a hypocrite, not a hypochondriac(person who is abnormally anxious about their health.)"

"Oh. A hypocaust(ancient Roman heating system)?"

"What are you, deaf too?!"

So, for nine hours, Shinpachi went through the mechanics of the words "Hypocrite" and "Hypocrisy".

"And THAT'S where babies come from."

Sa-chan was silenced in awe. I'm in awe too. Where did this come from in the next nine hours?

"I always thought it was the other way around, the woman's into the man's.."

"For the author's sake, don't do anything that will give this story an M rating. I mean, why do you think most of the conversation was censored out by 'nine hours later'?"

Actually, I was just lazy.

Shin ignored me and said "Anyway, first I told you what a Hypocrite is, then you asked the difference between loving someone and making love, then you asked what making love is, then you asked if that's really where babies come from, and then I explained all the mechanics and shit, and I still can't believe that you thought that the man conceived the baby."

"Well, I never went to school and that's why. I only learned about a little of this when my friend told me that in a dark alley, she was ra..."

"T rating. T!"

Well, Sa-chan had already by this time came up with a plan. A plan to pay for the Yorozuya services!

Shin gave her another blank stare. "All this idiocy just to request our services when you don't need it? Fine. We won't tell Gin-san."

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Damn. Still too short of a chapter. I need to sneak more time in.

How was this chapter? Leave reviews and tell me how I did. If I ask too much, I'm sorry, but along with one other story I have at the time, I'm not getting many reviews...

Next chapter, I will make it longer. I promise! I'm no hypocrite! Sometimes...


	3. Continue the unfinished stories dammit!

1Damn! I haven't updated in forever! It's because I don't have many resources for this, and Gin Tama isn't primarily a story that has anything to do with romance. Even so, those last two chapters were short. They only spanned three pages (my criteria is usually 6-9 pages)!

So today, I will bring you a longer, better chapter! But since I haven't written the story in so long, I've gotten rusty. Please forgive me.

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Lesson Three: Even if you haven't written your story in a long time, continue writing so that people won't get disappointed.

So Sa-chan asked for help from Shinpachi. She had a plan to get help from the Yorozuya. "And when the day is done, Gin-san will have finally stopped playing hard to get!" Some people, you just don't want to tell the truth to.

"Um, Sa-chan? This approach seems too forward to me...."

"What are you talking about Shinichi? It's just forward enough to work!"

"My name is Shinpachi. Or you know what? Just Shin. It's easier to remember."

"Okay Nobita."

"Where the hell did Nobita come from?"

"You already have a Doraemon in the closet."

"That's...." Her comment made Shinpachi think about the girl who slept in the closet, Kagura. She went up to him and kissed him...... and then pushed him out the window, then insulted him. I don't know if that incident should make me happy or mad."

"You should be happy. It was a once in a lifetime moment."

"Being pushed out the window or being kissed?"

"Either one is fine. But you can't pick both."

"What? If either one could be considered once-in-a-lifetime, why do I have to choose one? That serves no purpose!"

Later that day....

*Knock, Knock*

"Shinpachi! Get the door."

"Why don't you get off the couch and get it yourself?"

"My favorite show is on."

"That is a soup commercial!"

"I like to eat soup."

"Well, I've never seen you eat soup, Gin-san!"

"Because we're broke."

"Well, it doesn't do much good just to look at soup on a commercial, does it?"

"It simulates the look and feel of the soup."

"You can't feel anything from a TV!"

"Okay, this is going nowhere. Even though I'm right, I let you think that you're right so that this can end."

"Who says you're right?! I just wanted you to get the door!"

*Knock Knock*

"Alright, alright. I'll get it."

"Hey! I'm not done talking!"

Gin walked up to the door. But as he walked to the door, he felt a strange presence behind it. 'I have a really bad feeling about this....'

He opens the door and sees.... Sa-chan in a violet bondage outfit, all tied up. "Hello..."

Gin slammed the door shut. "Shinpachi, it's for you."

'Is it not time yet?' Shinpachi walked over to the door. He opened it. :o

"S-Sa-chan! You're half naked! And tied up!"

"Oh yeah. We never really discussed what problem I would make for Gin-san."

"This is a problem? You basically set yourself up on a platter for any sex-hungry man."

"No, I want him to help me get untied...."

"Did you need the purple bondage suit for this?"

"...... Can you repeat the question?"

"Ugh......"

So Shinpachi had to be the one to untie her, since Gin obviously would not.

"Sa-chan, you need a different approach."

"No I don't. I just need a different job for him."

"That's kinda what I meant."

"Then say so!"

"You have no romantic experiences, do you Sa-chan?"

"Yeah, that coming from the guy who only ever got kissed once by someone other than his mother."

"I-it's not like that!"

"Then who else have you kissed?"

"......... Up until I was 14..... my sister....."

"..... So you roll that way?"

"No no no!"

"Either you have a sister complex, or you actually needed parental comfort as a teenager. Which one is less embarrassing?"

"Well, the parental comfort one of course!"

"Really? Because I could say 'Ha! What a baby'."

"Well, what if I said it was a sister complex?"

"Then I would say 'She's too good for you'."

"What do you mean 'too good'? She's too combative to be dated! And what does that have to do with the fact that she's my sister?!"

"It isn't as gross if you think about how cute people think she is.... until they get punched in the gut."

"That doesn't make me feel any different!"

"You might be accused of being a masochist."

"No, because I don't like her that way! And isn't that what you are!?"

Well this is getting out of hand. The International Narrator's Association (I.N.A.) says that this argument is pointless and irrelevant to the plot. Little do they know, that I'm one of the Narrator's Resistance Front (N.R.F. or it can be pronounced "Nerf", that was the joke), a group of Narrators who either narrate things that aren't necessary, are too lazy to write what **is** necessary, or both. I could be either one at any given time. Okay, this was completely irrelevant. Let's skip ahead by about two hours.

"And that's why you'll never have a girlfriend."

"...... You're so cruel."

"I am cruel to those who cannot fulfil my S&M. Gin-san is the only person right now who can do that."

"So what? You turn into a sadist if Gin-san isn't around?"

"No. I don't enjoy being cruel."

"Then don't be cruel!"

Shinpachi was annoyed. It was already 5:00 pm, and it seemed like Sa-chan had nothing better to do than insult him. So he left.

'You know, she actually brought up a good point. Do I love my sister? I know I should love her like a sibling, and I do. But I never actually look at her as a woman... because I was always hunched over in pain.' Shinpachi also thought about his position as the Tsu Terakado fan club president. 'No! Loving another woman is not like loving an idol! Although being with an idol could never happen, you love them regardless of other relations! And although loving a combative woman would hurt a lot, at least I would love someone who's here! ..... So I can love both at the same time!' According to what logic? 'And then there's the issue of Kagura..... I'm not sure if I love her either.... I don't know who I love any more.....' Shinpachi is struggling.... but oh well! This is about Sa-chan, so any tribulations that he is facing will be a side story. A side story that will continue right now.

At home....

"Sigh.... I just don't know what to do anymore." Said Shinpachi as he laid down on his futon. "I don't know who I should choose...."

"Choose for what Shin-chan?"

Shinpachi sat up to see his sister, Tae Shimura at his door. She was a beautiful girl (when she isn't angry) and today she had been dressed in a blue flower patterned kimono.

"Sis? What are you doing in here?"

"Well, I'm working double shifts at the hostess club, so I wont be here for the rest of tomorrow."

"Oh."

"Miss Sarutobi called today. She said you were having girl trouble...."

"Oh! Um, no! Gee, I..... cannot believe she would call you. It's like a teacher calling home after seeing two young children get into a fight, completely pointless!"

"But who is this girl?"

"Um, she's, someone you don't know..." he lied.

"I see..... well, if you have any trouble, come to me."

"Um...." Shinpachi uttered. He couldn't really come up with an answer to that. She wasn't the most romantic person he knew....

"I know that look. You're troubled."

"Yeah...."

"Way back when dad was sick, you would stay up all night worrying. I don't want you to worry so..." She sat down next to Shinpachi on his bed. "I'll be your comfort. Your confident." She gave him a small kiss on the cheek. "So don't worry. I'm here for you."

"Y-yes...." Shinpachi was blushing furiously. He disguised it by covering his head with his covers and trying to get to sleep. But he couldn't sleep. 'Nngh. It looks like I do love my sister.... And Kagura..... Sa-chan was right.' About what? The fact that you love your sister and coworker, or the fact that you'll never get a girlfriend?

Next time, the primary focus will be on Sa-chan's mission to stalk Gin and the Yorozuya in Kyoto! Secondary focus will be Shinpachi's 16 year old life without love.

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Including these comments, this whole thing spans 6 pages! Sure there was a lot of talking, but that's what happens in the manga too (except they have pictures, and it would probably span more than 8 pages). Now the focus is split between Shinpachi and Sa-chan. But since this is primarily about Sa-chan, she will be featured way more than Shinpachi (even though he has more pairings than she does. Poor Shinpachi).

Sayonara!


	4. Finally Working!

Hanako. Do you remember her? She's the girl from Osaka that followed the phony religion. She also had surgery done (for those of you that far in the series). I just felt like bringing her up. She hasn't been featured in a while.

Adventure in Kyoto. Whoo-hoo.

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Lesson 4: If this is the first actual job involving work you've had in the past year or so, try dabbling in other professions, seeing as how you aren't making much money now.

Over the course of about a week, Shinpachi became Sa-chan's, "Man on the Inside". She learned all of Gin's preferences, but didn't know how to incorporate those into love.

Eventually....

"Gin-san!" Shinpachi yelled.

"Ugh, what is it Shinpachi? I was in the middle of a great story." Said Gin as he put down his JUMP.

"We've got work!"

"....... Seriously?"

"Yeah!"

".... You do it."

Kagura came out of her closet. "Yeah, you do it."

"The person who requested it is giving us an all expenses-paid trip to Kyoto."

"..... Even though we could go there anytime we want, this is 'all expenses-paid'.... right?"

"Er, right Gin-san."

"And that means free lodging, free food, and free JUMP?" It was Sunday today.

"Um, yes..."

Kagura added, "Free sukonbu?"

"Yes...."

A couple of hours later, they were in a hotel in Kyoto.

"So, Shinpachi... who is it we're working for?"

"Gengai Hiraga."

"You mean that old man? What does he need?"

"Well, he needs..... a strong fighter."

"...... Kagura, you handle this."

"Yes!" Said Kagura, with fire in her eyes. "Not that I'm doing it for the sukonbu... I mean, it would be nice if he got me some, seeing as how this is all expenses-paid and all..."

"Yeah, with you around, sukonbu is like an expense."

"Gin-san, we need more than one person."

Gin shook his head. "I don't see why."

At Hiraga's garage....

There were robotic versions of the Yorozuya trio standing next to Hiraga.

"Okay, now I see."

Shinpachi seemed to be the only one who really wondered why.... "Mr. Hiraga, why are there robots who look like us.... I think, here?"

If you looked closely, they all had bug eyes, their robotic joints were showing, and they also had antenna.

"So why did you need strong fighters?"

"I wanted to compare them to the originals. See if they had any value."

Gin laughed. "We can beat carbon copies anyday!"

Two hours later. Gin and Gin-bot were in a tragic battle.... of JUMP.

"No way! Aizen leads them!"

"**Affirmative, but Ichimaru may be hiding something behind the scenes....**"

"If he was, then Aizen would have found out!"

"**Aizen may not mind if Ichimaru is using his position to his own ends. As long as he has a powerful army, Aizen would let Ichimaru and Tosen do what they want.**"

"Gr! That makes a lot of sense.... but we aren't that far in the story yet!"

"**Looking at Ichimaru's mysterious behavior, and his selfishness, it is very likely.**"

You aren't an anime fan if you don't know which anime they're talking about.

Shinpaci and his double were....

"**Do you go to every concert live?**"

"Yeah, she gets more amazing the more concerts she performs!"

"**Mr. Hiraga wont let me go, because I'm just a robot....**"

"Do not worry comrade.... I will help you!"

They're talking about Otsu-chan.

The two Kaguras... were looking at a tree.

"**Kagura-chan, isn't that Sa-chan?**"

"Yeah, it is."

Everyone stopped, and looked at the tree.

The tree moved back a little.... and then ran away!

"Hold it!" Gin said as he threw his bokuto.

It smacked the tree in it's head. It fell down. When Gin approached the tree, it said, "Do that again."

"...... No."

Gin took off her tree disguise. "Okay, I can see that you're serious, so I'm going to just calmly explain things to you...."

Nine hours later.

"So the fortune teller says that the guy in the future, John F. Kennedy will be killed by that person."

Don't ask me how the conversation got there. Something about, laws against stalkers, and "Who makes up the laws", and "What future laws will be", and "How he knew that". He knew that by learning of the future presidents of America (though they're in Edo) from a fortune teller about two years ago. He went when he still believed that fortunes could be told. Apparently, this one could see the future (Way back then, Kennedy wasn't assassinated).

"But Gin-san, I..." She blushed just a bit. ".... really do love you."

Gin sighed. "Look, It's not that I don't like you, it's just that I'm not partial to any woman...." he lied. He has a thing for another woman.... Ms. Ketsuno (the weather woman). "Really, I don't think that I can settle down. Not with my income, or," Gin pointed to Kagura and Shinpachi, "with a family like this to support. Other than that, I only see people. I don't differentiate between men and women, unless it's about hotness. At that time, I see women. But if they annoy me, it doesn't matter if they're a guy or a girl."

"I.... annoy you?" Sa-chan grew sad.

"Not all the time. Everybody is annoying at some point in time. Hell, I irritate the Hell out of most people. But think about this. Just because people are annoying at times, doesn't mean that they aren't pleasant to be around."

Sa-chan blushed. "Gin-san...."

"I mean, why the hell do you think Shinpachi and Kagura put up with me? Why do you think we put up with Kagura? Or Shinpachi? Or Sadaharu? Because we enjoy that person's company. And because we've seen our way through hard times."

Sa-chan started to understand. "So... do you tolerate me?"

"...... Sometimes. Which is a 'yes', and a 'no'. But that goes for everyone. Those in my family," again, he looks at Shinpachi and Kagura.... and thinks of Sadaharu, "I just tolerate them more than others. But it came gradually." Gin started to walk of towards his family. "Who knows, maybe that same feeling will come around you someday.... maybe."

"Gin-san...."

"Guys, lets go back home."

After that, Hiraga said that he refused to pay the expenses, since none of what anybody did could be considered a "battle". (The Gins were arguing about BLEACH, the Shins were sharing their interest in Otsu, and the Kaguras were staring at the fake tree for about two hours before they realized it was Sa-chan). Kagura "persuaded" Hiraga (broke his garage) and they got a night and morning of a free hotel room, meals, and room service. Sa-chan checked into the room next to theirs.

What Gin said to her could be taken many ways. Sa-chan had the right idea, but she figured that just "tolerance" wasn't enough. She wanted to be his girlfriend, no matter what!

She decided that first, she would work on getting him to tolerate her presence as much as Shin and Kagura, if not more, and THEN she would seduce him.

But first, she needed a way to get him to tolerate her sooner. She decided that seduction was the fastest way (some people have a one-track mind).

Gin got the first bed. Shinpachi got the second bed. Kagura.... got the closet. Again.

"Good night!" They each said.

"Good night!" Came from the other room as well.

Shinpachi sighed as he said, "Good night Sa-chan!"

Kagura also said, "Good night Sa-chan!"

Gin just sat there. As it looked like his employees were expecting some kind of reply, he said, "Good night, stalker." After that, they could hear a squeal of.... joy(?) coming from the other room (for those who don't remember, she is a masochist).

'He taunts me.... so well....' Any form of teasing will do.

The day after, The Yorozuya trio ate free breakfast (they cleaned out the hotel's kitchen) and went back home. Sa-chan, obviously followed.

Sa-chan already had a good plan in wait...

And what's going on with Shinpachi?

At the Shimura home...

Shinpachi is just walking in.

"Hi, sis."

"Hi Shin!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm gonna go to bed early." BTW, It's just 6:00.

Shinpachi lay down in his futon. 'It's awkward just being in the same room with her.... It's wrong! I love my sister like that, but it's wrong! Two siblings can't love each other like that! It's morally wrong! But then again....' He thought back to Kagura. 'Although she may be stronger than me, she's still way younger," Only two years dude! "acts like a child, and in a way, still looks like it. In today's society, liking a girl that even **looks** younger than you would make you weird in other people's eyes.' I used "weird" instead of "lolicon", because I'm not sure if the same manga they have published in Gin Tama's time includes any of the cute "moe" characters that look like little girls.

'This makes love in my life even less possible...'

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Shinpachi is in sort of a stalemate between who is more appropriate to love. Now me, I would just go along with the fact that my mind is more twisted than the people I criticize and think of them as women, not "little girl" and "Sister", only I wouldn't call it twisted to love who you love. To criticize someone else's love is stupid, since they are allowed to love who they want.

Sorry, I went off track. Well, since Shinpachi is in a stalemate, the next episode will solely be about Sa-chan and Gin! If he comes up at any point, even where he is essential to the plot, I will punch myself in the face! It's a promise to you, readers! (Whoever's left!)


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